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I am not the same person I once was. I used to be friendly, outgoing, feminine and was willing to help anyone.
Now I am withdrawn, overly cautious, more "masculine" and seemingly unfriendly (at least until you get to know me).
If you're friendly, the harassers think you're easy. If you're outgoing, they try to bullshit you. If you're feminine,
you are a target. If you try to help them by giving them an inch, they'll take a mile. I've learned that it is
best to stay to yourself and not portray the image of the innocent, sweet beautiful young girl because these old coons live
to spoil such girls. They ride around on buses and at stops buying getting their old teeth capped, hanging out at liquor
stores, conversing with the bus driver who is usually just as ghetto as them and trying to pick up "some young sweet thang"
whom they have nothing to offer to.
Now I stay to myself and only converse on the bus with people whom I have known before (i.e. friends of the family).
I will not hesistate to tell someone that what they are asking is none of their business or just refuse to talk to them.
I sit up the front or in a seat that doesn't have any seats behind it so no one can sneak up on me. I am always aware.
My eyes and ears are covered up. I don't laugh or smile with these people as they see it as a sign of weakness. If two
or more gold toothed middle aged coons or sneaky wetbacks sits near me at the stop or on the bus, I move. Damn
their feelings....I've been burned trying to give these bastards the benefit of the doubt before. They get strength
in numbers.
The bus drivers are usually nasty, judgmental, no-customer service having pieces of trash that couldn't get a job
at McDonald's if their lives depended on it. So I just put in my fare and sit down. I don't even speak to them
("good morning" my ass). If they give me any shit, I report them.
My demeaner and attire says "drop dead"...but if someone still says something out of the way to me then I'll retort
with "hi coon" or "hi grandpa" or something that cruelly plays on their race or age (if you are not respectful of me, then
I will not respect your race or age group). My give a damn is busted and the repair costs are just not worth it.
I've noticed too that my relationships have also suffered. I find myself being colder, more guarded and less
my "old self" to male family friends, acquantices etc. I am not nasty unless they truly deserve it. It is not
my intention...it's just a reaction that I cannot control. When a group has taken so much from you, it gets hard to
remain fair and damn near impossible to let down your guard with the nagging fear in the back of your head.
The nagging fear is that they'll take your kindness for weakness, not give you the same rights that they demand, force
you to bow down to their standards and otherwise behave like the stereotypical male that the harassers embody. I don't
want to hurt these people but I cannot control how I feel.
My relationships with people on the whole have suffered. I am far more mistrustful of people and far less friendly
than I used to be. You start to see everyone as a harasser or a supporter of the harasser. There is no middle ground.
There's only battleground. Harassment makes you start to realize that the pickiness and the cruelty that children possess
hasn't went anywhere as people grow up. You start to realize that men act their childlike desires out in the form of
harassment because it is socially tolerated. It is not socially tolerated for women so how do women act theirs out?
It makes one wonder...and makes one constantly watch one's back for the bearer of that proverbial knife.
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People don't understand the impact this
has upon women. And the men that do do not care as they believe making women uncomfortable in public is their birthright
just because it's what they "want" to do.
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They've kept me from getting a proper education...
Dealing with life and school is enough within itself without the added stress
of the ever present threat of harassment. And when you try to take up for yourself, these men want to retaliate and
spit or shove or call names. Jumping through hoops such as by going longer routes to avoid harassers and taking all
the apparatuses to avoid harassment such as headscarves and walkmans is just time and effort that could be put into school.
It also equates to a heavier backpack and just more hassle. My grades have suffered due to this as it is hard to concentrate
on reports and projects when your mind is a million miles away on the harassment that happened yesterday and avoiding the
harassment that may come today. College should be a time of growth and learning and it is extremely hard to do both
when harassers have you unable to even get to and from the school in peace. They've cheated me out of one of the most
important experiences in a young person's life and I am gong to expose these men and give women the information they need
to fight back.
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